However vulgar the phrase may be, ‘bums on seats’ are what keep theatre folk in work, and even not-so-hot shows need to pull in a crowd. For years, producers and advertising agents have come up with ingenious ways to embellish the truth to make even a damp squib sound like a blazing triumph.
To avoid alarm bells ringing whenever you see these phrases around the West End, remember that if it has come from a critic, it may be true. However, if these fawning gems have come from the theatre’s camp itself, be warned!
Here’s the truth:
Must-see
Please see
Epic
Really long
For all the family
Lots of children needing to use the loo
By Pushkin/Gogol/Chekhov
Each character has at least five unpronounceable names and one of them will commit suicide
London’s No.1 show
One of London’s several No.1 shows
Heart warming
Sickly, gushing, often with a lead character under the age of twelve
Romantic
There’s kissing in it
Dance in the aisles
Stand up and pretend to dance while you put your coat on and try to gauge which exit would be best
Happy ending
Predictable
Innovative
Weird
Uplifting
Lots of people singing at the same time with a key change in the encore
Funny yet moving
Not as funny as it was meant to be
Visual feast
The music’s rubbish
Hard hitting
Contains swearing/violence/Northern dialects
Spectacular
Big stage and bright lights
Political drama
Slick hair, suits and lots of pacing and pointing. Sometimes a desk with paper on it
State of the art
Bits of the stage move
Multimedia
Sets projected on a screen
Relevant today
Either about war or has a character who’s an alcoholic.
Limited season
Potentially unpopular
Pre-West End national tour
National tour
Hollywood star
American actor
The nation’s favourite
One people who don’t like theatre have heard of
Hilarious
There’s someone fat in it
Back by popular demand
Back
Shakespeare
Boring
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